50 Shades of Yellow
by hahaharrypulp
Summary: What happens when Anastasia Steele meets Mr. Banana? A humorous and absurd rewrite of 50SoG.
1. Chapter 1

"I'm sick Ana. Can you please go to Banana Holdings Inc. and interview Christian Banana for me?"

My best friend Kate looked up at me with pleading eyes. She was so pretty even when she was sick. So pretty. So pretty. So pretty. I hit my head to regain focus. The doctor was worried about these repetitive episodes I kept having. I decided to push it out of my mind for now.

"Well ok I'll go." I couldn't refuse Kate. She was so pretty and bossy.

"Can I borrow some clothes?" I asked.

"Oh Ana, I told you the school has donation drives. You should stop wearing paper bags all the time."

I sighed, she was right but she finally conceded to give me an outfit.

I drove to Seattle. I wondered what to expect from Mr. Banana. He was the largest manufacturer of bananas in the world. He was a very powerful man. He was probably some old dude or something. I arrived in the office. It was large with glass windows and floors. A lady in a banana suit welcomed me. I felt self-conscious. She was dressed so much better than me.

"Um, I have an appointment or something." Way to go Ana. My inner goddess pulled out a rifle and blew my brains all over the walls.

"Right this way please." Another lady dressed in a banana costume met me by the elevator.

Geez, did Christian only hire women who wore banana costumes? Isn't that illegal or something? I rode the elevator to the top floor. I felt so self-conscious again. We arrived. A man dressed as an orange left the office. Great, now I'm really self-conscious.

"Mr. Banana will see you now." The immaculately dressed banana lady smiled at me.

I walked into Mr. Banana's office and fell head first. Strong arms caught me. I looked up into Mr. Banana. He was young, with red hair like Ronald McDonald. He was hot! Wow.

"Are you alright?" He murmured sexily.

"Uh, yeah I'm fine." I glanced around his office. There were portraits of bananas in different states. Some close up, some far away. One caught my eye. It was a lone banana lying sideways in a field. Did it indicate... loneliness?

"I'm here to interview you." I said sheepishly.

"Yes, of course, please sit." He gestured to a chair across from him. I sat down and took out Kate's notes.

"Are you gay?" I blurted out. Mr. Banana's eyes grew dark.

"No, I'm not."

"Ok cool, um so tell me how is it owning the world's largest banana corporation in the world? Banana Inc."

"I like to have control over my company. I hire only good people who know bananas inside and out..." He gave a very dry account of his business operations. Suddenly the tables turned.

"So tell me, what kinds of books do you like to read?"

Whoa! What an intrusive question. "I like old stuff. The classics from England. You know from whatever year makes me sound the smartest."

"Interesting."

This conversation was too intense. I needed to escape.

"Thanks for the interview Mr. Banana. I need to go."

"You're driving? But it's raining in Seattle of all places. Are you sure you know how to drive in the rain?"

"I'll be fine." I scurried out the door.

The next day, I decided to put Mr. Banana out of my mind and went to work at my job at a hardware store. One of the employees was hitting on me and asking me out. Everyone liked me. It was such a curse.

I was doing inventory when a voice interrupted me. "Ms. Steele. How nice to see you again."

It was Christian Banana! What was he doing here? He's here to see you, my inner goddess commented again before she shoved my head in a toilet.

"Mr. Banana, how can I help you?"

"I'm just here to pick up a few things. Rope, cable ties, duct tape, a machete and garbage bags."

I wondered what he needed all that stuff for but decided not to think about it too much.

"Right this way." I showed Mr. Banana where his various supplies were located.

He suddenly turned and looked at me with his sexy gray eyes. "Would you like to go to coffee with me sometime Anastasia?" The way he said Anassstasssiaaa was so hot, like melted oreo cookies with whip cream at the mall… or something. Calm down, my inner goddess chided, throwing me down a mountain of jagged rocks. I tried to focus. Coffee. I didn't drink coffee only tea. How was I supposed to respond to that? Did they have tea at coffee shops? I'd never been out with a boy before either. I grew up on a deserted island most of my life and had only escaped four years ago. Was I ready to go have coffee with a boy?

"Ok, sure."

I nervously waited for Mr. Banana inside the coffee shop. I glanced at the menu. Wow they had tea after all.

"Ms. Steele. How nice to see you again." Christian materialized in front of me. "Can I buy you something to drink?"

"Jesus, I can get it my fuc**** self." I was getting tired of his controlling ways.

Mr. Banana tightened his lips. "It's no trouble."

"Well, alright. I turned to the lady working at the counter. "Jolly ho governor! I'd like my tea bag out if you please."

We sat down and I dipped my tea bag in the hot water for two seconds, then took it out.

"Why do you do that?" Mr. Banana asked.

"I dunno, I guess I just like drinking hot water."

"Then why even bother ordering the tea?"

He made a good point. I never thought about it before. We continued our mundane conversation for several minutes when he suddenly blurted out, "I'm no good for you Anastasia. I'm dangerous. You should stay away from me."

He abruptly walked out of the coffee shop. Oh god, I knew it. It was me. He couldn't possibly be a weirdo. My inner goddess dropped an anvil on my head from a second story window. Tears threatened to spill over. The first guy I liked. Why was I so attracted to him? Was it cause he was hot and rich? Nah.

I decided to go out drinking later with Kate and my only ethnic friend Jose', he was Mexican or Native American or something. Whatever.

I had never drank before. Even at my twenty-first birthday party. It was weird everyone was having a good time that day drinking but I just sat around.

I slammed down a few drinks at the bar. I decided to call Mr. Banana.  
"Wuzzzzuppp."

"Are you drunk?" He sounded terse.

"I sure am. Woooo!"

"I'm coming to get you." The line went dead.

Whatevers. I decided to dance for a bit. It soon grew hot and I went outside to get some air. Jose' followed me.

"Anna." Jose slurred. "I've always liked you." Jose started pawing at me.

Suddenly Christian Banana appeared. He pulled Jose off me. I began to feel dizzy. I vomited in the bushes.

Jose shrugged and went inside. Christian came over. "Hey, you alright? Why don't we go dance some more?"

He led me inside and we danced. It strangely made my nausea worse. I ran outside to throw up again and passed out.

I awoke in a bed. Where was I? I was in my underwear. Oh god, was I in Mr. Banana's room?

"Good morning." Mr. Banana stood coolly against a wall, his pants hanging from his hips.

"What happened?" I asked frantic.

"Oh you got sick and passed out, figured I'd take you to my house instead of the hospital."

"Oh."

There was a knock at the door. A man brought a cart laden with food. "I took the liberty of ordering you everything on the menu."

I grabbed the blanket and dressed quickly in the bathroom. I looked at all the food and felt sick.

"I can't eat right now."

"Eat!" Christian commanded.

"Uh, yeah I'm really not hungry."

"Eat!" He ordered again.

I sat down and started to consume some of the food. Christian lectured me on my drinking. "Imagine! A twenty-two year old woman going out drinking with her friends, unheard of!"

Geez, he was acting like my father or something.

"So why did you leave the coffee shop?" I tried to change the subject

"I have strange tastes Anastasia. I would lead you down a dark path."

What was he talking about? Despite his warning I pushed. "Like what?"

"Come meet me in three days time and I'll tell you. Then you'll see if you still want to see me."

"Ok, sure, whateves, sounds good to me."

The next three days felt like really long days or something. Kate wanted to know what was up. She was so pretty with her pretty hair and pretty face and pretty clothes. I couldn't tell her much. I knew she wouldn't approve.

I met Christian at his office after three days had passed. He led me upstairs to a helicopter! Wow!

We flew over the city. There were lights and buildings and stuff and we were high up and everything. We flew to Vancouver then Oregon than back up to get to Seattle.

We landed and went inside. I was finally going to find out what the mysterious Mr. Banana was hiding.


	2. Chapter 2

"I have a contract I want you to look over."

Holy cow. A contract! It was fifty pages long. I knew summarizing it would be no good.

The contract had my name and Mr. Banana of Banana Holdings Inc. Founded in 2008. Mother's maiden name, his date of birth, social security number, address, a copy of his passport, his Target card information, and Library Card.

After five pages of this the contract began:

"I" referred to as Submissive agree to do whatever the Dominant (Mr. Banana) says. Including spanking, whacking, biting, smacking, anal butt stuff, restraints, cuffs, gags, blindfolds, gagging, wrapping, shackles, levitation, sensory deprivation, tied up, whipped, tousled, debauchery, nipple clamps, hog tied, tied by arms, legs, waist, chest, upper and lower legs, using dildos, weird objects, chained up, chained up with cloth, leather, brass, rope, steel chain objects, pinched, hair pulled..."

It went on like this for forty-five more pages. Mr. Banana was a freak!

"Y-you like this stuff? But why?" I couldn't believe it.

"You want the truth? That I'm a depraved, controlling, and have issues that fifty therapists couldn't fix?"

"Not really."

"I just like it Anastasia. It turns me on. I like to feel in control. Come on let me show you something."

He took my hand and led me to a room with a red door. He pushed it open and I gasped. It looked like a medieval torture chamber. Wooden crosses hung from the walls. There were hooks in the wall, whips and painful looking objects I'd never seen before. A bench was in a corner with shackles and a large bed loomed in the room. A guillotine was off to one side. I decided wisely to enter and explore further.

"This is kind of weird and stuff. I mean I don't know if I can do this." Yet the thought of leaving Christian hurt. I knew after the total three hours we'd spend together since we met that I might consider getting into a torture chamber BSDM lifestyle with him.

"Come on; let's go talk out of the room." His eyes were heated.

We sat on his couch. "Anastasia, we can go slowly. I know you're new at this. I-I don't want to lose you." Mr. Banana brushed a hand through his bright orange clown-like hair.

"I've never done anything like that before. I mean, I've never even had sex before."

Christian's gray eyes grew wide. "What! You're a virgin! Let's go cure you of that right now.

That was a little sudden. It wasn't how I pictured losing my virginity but whateves.

Mr. Banana took me into a room.

"Now Anastasia, I have a gigantic penis and I'm an acrobat in bed. I hope that's ok." He smirked.

I flushed. "Yeah sure, that's cool."

"I'm not called Mr. Banana for nothing." He smirked again.

I flushed again. Was he making a joke? This was so unlike his cool exterior.

He began kissing me and stuff and took off my clothes. His hand began to reach down there! Omg! Down in my special secret place. It felt sooo good.

He unzipped his pants. "Now Anastasia, I'm going to ram my gigantic penis into you in one motion."

"Ok." Whateves.

He pulled out his pee pee. It was so huge. I'd never seen one before. Not even on the internet since I've never had a laptop before.

He moved closer and pushed himself inside me in one swift movement, filling up my special place. "How's that?"

"Oh it's cool, no problem."

"I want you to cum for me Anastasia." He stared at me with gray eyes.

"Oh, ok. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG." I exploded all over Mr. Banana's Banana."

"Yeah baby, that's it." Mr. Banana climaxed at the exact same time as me.

"That was amazing." I sighed.

"I've never had vanilla sex before." Christian looked at me with gray eyes.

"Vanilla sex? What's that?"

"That's where you have sex like a normal person and not a freak."

"Oh I see." I paused.

"What's butterscotch sex then?"

Mr. Banana was giving me a strange look and seemed at a loss for words.

"You're so innocent Anna."

I smiled.

"You ready to go again?" He asked me sexily.

He grabbed me and lifted me. He banged the living hell out of me. "Cum for me Anastasia!"

"Ahhhhhhhhh!" I came again.

After I stopped to catch my breath Christian looked at me with concerned gray eyes. "Are you sore?"

"Oh no, I'm fine. Maybe a tiny bit."

"Let's go take a bath." He offered.

Christian filled a bath with warm water and we both sunk in. Suddenly I got an idea. I was going to give him a blow job. I wasn't sure what that was but I'd heard about it. I grasped his penis and began swirling my tongue around the tip of it expertly. I took him in my mouth and deep throated him. His entire penis hitting the back of my throat. I bobbed up and down for several minutes, then pulled out for a moment to hum the Star Spangled Banner on his balls.

"Jesus Ana!" Christian Banana was enthralled. "I'm going to cum if you don't stop."

I stopped for a moment. "It's ok, I swallow." I continued licking and sucking Mr. Banana's penis like a porn star with a crack habit.

"Uhhhhhh." Mr. Banana came and I swallowed it entirely.

"Wow, your first blow job. I give you an A plus!"

"Thanks." I felt happy I could cause such a reaction in this sexy man.

Suddenly I felt sleepy. I yawned.

Mr. Banana took me to a room with a bed it was white mostly and not much was in it.

"This is your room as long as you stay here."

"Are you going to sleep with me?" I asked him.

"I don't like to be touched… but I guess I will for tonight."

Hmmm… he seemed to have a lot of issues. I guess I'd worry about that later. After we got married or something. I fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning I woke up alone. I heard the sound of music drifting down the hallway. I followed it and arrived in Mr. Banana's living room. He was playing a beautiful, haunting song on the piano and singing.

"I've been alone with you inside my mind  
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times  
I sometimes see you pass outside my door

Hello, is it me you're looking for?

I can see it in your eyes  
I can see it in your smile…"

He stopped playing and turned to me with a huge smile. My heart flip-flopped. I wonder what was in store for today…


End file.
